Ballad of the Crackerman (careful, this is a RANT)

I haven't been around very long, but I have learned a few things in my short time here on Earth. For example, when someone uses the phrase "No hard feelings" as a farewell remark, they're probably lying.


It started on February 8th, 2010. A close friend of mine sent me a Craigslist link detailing the need for a marketing intern at what appeared to be an organic food distributor. It sounded legit enough (meaning I felt that I probably wouldn't be brutally murdered by some psycho, yay craigslist!) so I sent in my resume with a fancy cover letter telling this person how awesome I am. In response I get this email:

Hi Scott,
You recently applied for an intern position in marketing. We are interested in interviewing you and would like to find out when you are available. We are in the process of putting together a team of maximum three persons to help us finalize and execute a marketing strategy over the next three months.

Looking forward to hear from you,


Redacted

So of course, I think this is excellent for a number of reasons.

1. I work extremely well in groups. Multiple heads are better than one. Especially when that one head belongs to a guy who is lazy, hard to motivate, yet still manages to be a snappy dresser.
2. This is a chance for me to be involved in building a marketing plan from the ground up, which is something that has the potential to give me valuable experience that you don't come across every day.
3. There is no 3.
4. There is a good chance this will turn into something big. The market for organic, all-natural, no additives, etc is blowing up right now and if you can get in on the ground level, chances are you can make a couple bucks.
5. It's work. Believe it or not, unemployment sucks.

So I take a shower, put on some slacks, a tie and head to this interview. First red flag, it turns out its not a distribution company, but a single dude who bakes crackers and sells them at farmer's markets. Second red flag, he shows up wearing shorts and a t-shirt. He proceeds to tell me that he's glad I wore a tie but that I shouldn't worry, it's not that big of a deal and that "You don't have to take it too seriously." 

Future warning to anyone who may offer me a job, if you tell me its not a big deal, you had better be the best motivator on earth because you're gonna get crap effort from me. If its not a big deal, then its not worth exerting myself.

The last red flag, and the point where I really should have walked away shaking my head was when he refused to show me the books, tell me what his distribution system was, who was carrying the product, and that I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone involved with the company but him.

Sometimes I ignore my instincts because I tend to distrust them, and this was one of those times. Long story short, the Crackerman didn't want a marketing intern, he wanted a low-rent copywriter. I tired to get him to understand the scope and importance of marketing, but he didn't want to hear it. All he wanted from me was to get him in the paper. So after wasting a good month, I buckled down and wrote him some promos which he sent to the top 10 food blogs on the internet, and promptly refused to follow up on.

Fast forward to Wednesday. The man who refused to follow up on any contacts (he was the bread sponsor for a $165 a plate dinner at Paradise Farms in the Redlands, which he never went to, promoted, or followed up on), refused to let me understand his company, shot down any attempt for me to help him other than writing emails to blogs, refused (or was unable) to hire a single other person to form a team, and just acted like a jerk the whole time is in the process of ripping me a new one about my lack of  "professionalism." At first, he provided some good criticism, which I need right now, but then he just got nasty. He called me some names, insulted my upbringing, and basically called me cocaine addict (never touched the stuff). At that point, I cracked a huge smile and said to him:


"I'm really glad that you gave me this opportunity"
He stops, frowns, steps back and clears his throat,
"I still want to work with you, I like the way you think. When you think you're ready to take this seriously, call me."
I begin to slowly shake my head, so he says,
"No hard feelings, right?"
I break eye contact and look over his left shoulder towards the parking garage holding my car,
"I've got to go."